Oh No
by FeralRaziel
Summary: Moebius cunningly gets to the Guardian of the Pillar's last meeting and chaos insues. Staring all the guardians in BO1 My first fic here! Feedback appreciated...


Oh no, here comes Moebius. "Mortainius! Stop changing where the meeting is! There is only one every decade." Mortainius sighed. "Moebius, I hate to be the one to tell you this…but no one likes you." Mort said, staring at the Time streamer solemnly. There was a pause as Moebius' mouth screwed into an unattractive expression that the Guardian of Death couldn't identify.

"Alright, alright…fine. I understand." "Moe…come on, don't cry." Mortainius sighed. "No, no I'm okay. Well…well, where were you guys, then…because I-y'know-…" "We were at the Pillars." Mortainius sighed again. "I looked there and you weren't there." Moebius whined, getting misty eyed. "We…changed it…to noon." "You changed it to noon? Why?" Moebius' expression dropped. Mortainius glared at him. "Because we hate you, Moe." "Yes, I know…See ya." "Wait what?" Moebius disappeared.

DeJoule, Guardian of the Pillar of Energy, was gazing at the mountains around the Pillars. When she looked back next to her Moebius was sitting there. She started with a jolt. "Moe…Moebius?" She asked surprised and then angry. "Hello, DeJoule. I'm not late, see?" he said and smiled at her. Clearly he had not been around anyone able to hold conversation for a long time, since his smile was way too eerily sincere. "Damn it! _Somebody_ told Moebius when and where the meeting was after we had it! If I ever find out who it was, I will kill you." DeJoule said. Mortainius smacked his forehead. "Gah, I totally forgot he could travel anywhere in time _instantly_." "Well, Mort, he IS the Time Streamer." Bane the Druid Guardian of Nature, said. Mortainius pointed at him wrathfully with one gnarled finger. All the foliage around the druid died and Bane sobbed a bit.

Mortainius sighed heavily. "Okay everyone, roll-call. Malek of Conflict," "Here, sir." Said an empty suit of elaborate Sarafan armor with its arm raised.

"Ariel of Bal-…uh." "That tart is dead." DeJoule said. As she spoke a spectre of a woman floated into view, her face half gone. "Yes, I am dead. Dead. Destined to be-…" "Alright, you're here, shut the hell up. Nupraptor of Mind?"

"I'm shattered and broken!" the mentalist's voice rang in everyone's head, as he had sewn his mouth shut. "Yes, shattered, broken and here. Anthony of State? Right, did I say that right?"

"Why do we go through this every decade? It's Anarcrothe! There is not a 'y' in my name! Its Anarcrothe!" yelled an outraged, unattractive old man in clashing robes. "I'm sorry, but I just can't bring myself to care, you know that. Now, um, we know Bane is here…" Bane grinned and wiggled a little. "& of course DeJoule, Guardian of Harassment and Whining…" DeJoule flipped him the bird. Ariel moved away from her and toward Malek and her 'once lover' Nupraptor. "Azimuth of Dimension?" A robed woman sitting away from everyone raised her hand. Creepiness oozed from the atmosphere around her.

"And of course there's me of Death…yes, I like that…of Death. Now onto the order of business." As Mortainius (of Death) went on a voice in the middle of them went, "Ahem." They all looked at Moebius, sitting expectantly. Mortainius pinched the bridge of his nose. "Moebius…of Time." He said reluctantly. "I _am_ here." Said the Time Streamer as he continued to smile. Mortainius clasped his hands to his chest and looked up at the sky, as if pleading to the heavens. "Now onto the order of business, actually we have multiple orders of business…" "Businesses?" Nuprator's voice said. "Businessi?" Bane said, confused.

"First off, I have this impending feeling that this is our last meeting together." Mortainius said, ignoring the contemplation of the word 'business.' "Mort, you always have impending feelings. You're the Guardian of Death." Bane remarked. "Yes, but this time I know it in my cold, black heart. Perhaps one of you I will miss. The majority of you, well, I'll feed your effigies to Hash'Ak'Gik." Mortainius' eye twitched. "The next order of business is…well…uh…" "Out with it old man!" DeJoule shouted. "I can't. Not with Moebius here."

They all looked at Moebius again. "I'm perfectly sure that I can hear whatever it is you have to say." Moebius said, his smile gone and the usual look of craftiness on his worn face. "Malek." Mortainius snapped his fingers and Malek jumped. The Conflict guardian shoved the Time Streamer onto his feet and led him off towards a forested area saying, "Come now, Lord Moebius, you already have much power to yourself, why bother with ours?" Malek then dropped kicked Moe in the hindquarters. He landed in a thorn-laden bush. Unable to catch his breath quick enough, Moebius blacked out.

Everyone sighed in much relief when Malek sat back down. "Great, now we're behind. Well, here's the deal. When a confused, angry, but relatively new vampire comes along you can go ahead and try and kill it, but don't try too hard. If it dies I will kill all of you in your sleep and then bind your soul to you bare skeletons." Bane raised his hand. "Yes, I mean…gah. Bane we are not in grade school, you don't have to raise your hand!" "Sorry Morty. But, uh, how will we know which vampire?" Bane asked. "I would assume not that many vampires would be dumb enough to walk up to the lair of a Guardian and say, "Good day, how are you. I'm going to kill you now, alright?"" Anarcrothe said sarcastically.

"Yeah Bane, don't be dumb." DeJoule said. Bane looked at the ground, his ears reddened with embarrassment. "Well, that's pretty much it. Moebius being here totally threw off my game plan. Anyone else think of anything?" Mortainius said with a shrug. As the Guardians consulted one another Bane was still slightly embarrassed and looked around at his Pillar guarding comrades. Azimuth was eating out of a bucket of chicken legs. Discarding the fact that he had no idea how she got the chicken, Bane squealed. "You're eating meat in front of me." He said.

"Bane, poultry and fish don't count as meat." Came Nupraptor's voice. "And besides, you are the only one here wearing animal pelts, and there is the head of a buck resting atop your skull." Ariel moaned. "Uh…." Bane blanked out. DeJoule sucker punched him in the arm. Anarcrothe shouted, "Oi! My hovel needs a new coffee machine, then!" Mortainius wrote that down as everyone else thought about things that they needed.

"Yes, and my precariously perched bastion could use a couple more zombies in its labyrinthine death trapped hallways, liege." Malek said. "You know what I could use?" Ariel lamented with one hand to her chest and the other reaching towards the heavens. Everyone groaned and said something along the lines of, "Oh God, here it comes." "I could use some justice. Justice, my friends. I could use some justice against the inconceivable wrongs that have been done unto me. For the horrors that I have endured and…"

2 hours passed and still she was talking. "…and how about some appreciation for this depraved purgatory that I call everyday of this un-life…" Mortainius, having more important matters to attend to and feeling Hash'Ak'Gik creeping up on him, vanished in a pillar of flaming bats. This was an unnecessary show-off display, since he could have gone back to the pit in Avernus without the accompaniment of flaming bats.

Ariel continued to lament all the heart-felt feelings she had towards the world. "…if only people could see that I need these things. Not even my beloved Nupraptor can see, since he's the one who got me a blender for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, the blender was nice. But, still, this was a faulty action in the part of fate…" "I can't take this! Do something, someone!" Anarcrothe shouted. He grabbed Azimuth by her robes and shook her. With the power of her third eye a portal tore open in the center of the guardians. Out of the portal came: a shark-like Archon from the Spectral Realm, whom we'll call Jeff, a long-banished and emaciated Hylden named Thak'tul or something, and a bat-winged vampire with onyx horn on his back dubbed FeralRaziel.

Thak'tul pulled a huge curved sword from somewhere on his person and targeted DeJoule. DeJoule abruptly ran, the Hylden was determined to kill somebody. Jeff spotted Ariel and chased her into the Spectral Realm. Everybody clapped, even FeralRaziel, though he didn't know why. "Thanks Azimuth, I-" Anarcrothe's voice seemed to snap the deranged vampire out of one phase into another. FeralRaziel turned to the Guardian of States, broke his neck, and drained him of blood. "Oh, snap!" Bane exclaimed. The vampire killed him, too, and took his buckskin headdress. "Hey, you look familiar to me." Malek said to him as he tried on the headdress. FeralRaziel stared at him like he was listening, but snapped an antler off of the buck's head and shoved it into the visor of Malek's helmet. Nothing happened. A thought bubble appeared over the vampire's head. It read, "Hey, I feel cheated of something here."

At that point Mortainius came back without the flaming bats. His eyes were green. "This is taking too long! You are all disposable." He said in a very guttural sort of voice. He snapped his fingers. What everyone else thought was Hash'Ak'Gik appeared. "Ack! Fresh air! I can breathe!" Said the hulking, big-eared monster with contorted limbs. "Get them." Mort/Hash commanded. "But, I-" then the monster we know as Turel seemed to be taken control of by something else. Turel then ran, slavering at the mouth, at Nupraptor and gobbled him up.

During all this Moebius woke up and meandered back toward the Pillars. Mortainius/Hash'Ak'Gik laughed a monumentally evil laugh, with his head thrown back and everything. He then disappeared with a crack like lightening. "What was that?" Moebius wondered. The Time Streamer watched Turel bat around Malek like a cat with a mouse. "What in-?" Then FeralRaziel leapt on him. "AH! What? You can't be…what are you doing?" Moe said, winded. FeralRaz, recognizing Moe somewhere in the depths of his broken mind, decided just to sit on his chest cross-legged and poke at the insignia on the Time Streamer's forehead. Moebius squirmed for a bit, but then saw what he did to Anarcrothe and Bane. "Somebody help me!" Malek was heard.

Azimuth was the only one left not dead, non-existent, being painfully pestered or possessed by an entity wanting to take over Nosgoth. She sat there looking thoughtfully around her. Finally she said, "At least I have chicken."


End file.
